Frustrated

I am so incredibly frustrated right now. School has always make me incredibly frustrated. Not because it's hard or because it's time consuming. It's because every single year there has been some kind of glitch that has made my school career incredibly, indescribably frustrating.

My freshman year I went in to get all my stuff in order for my first semester. I went in to figure out my FAFSA stuff and they said I didn't get FAFSA because I was in the military. Ummmm.....what? No, that would be my brother, Kyle. Two months later, it was sorted out. Sophomore year, on my FAFSA form, I was my mother...for some reason that matters? But either way, it was another two months before that was fixed. Junior year, oh dear Missoula, screwed me over by making me walk around campus for four hours in the snow trying to get one form signed to change my major. And this year, my senior year, the cherry on top of everything. I got a letter saying that with all my credits, I needed to meet with my advisor to go over graduation stuff. YAY!! So excited, finally getting to graduate, right? Wrong. I go in today to talk to my advisor for my graduation papers. Guess what? I have 13 random credits to fill. Random credits. I can take gym, painting and philosophy and it's all ok. It doesn't matter that they have no merit to my degree, I just have to take them. It's complete BS! Oh and I forgot, I also have 4 hours of upper division Spanish to do as well. I hate the Montana school system. They can go suck a duck. Gahh!!!!!

So as soon as I left my advisers office and got in my car, I burst into tears and bawled all the way home. I am frustrated and stressed and all I want to do is curl up on the couch. Which is exactly what I am going to do. Sleep.

It's taking over

Well, I have found a new addiction. Pinterest. It's so fun! Lots of pictures, ideas, dreams of what my life could look like (or how I could dress if I had infinite amounts of money) and places I've been but places I need to go. It's become a part of my computer routine. Email, facebook, blog and pinterest. I can't help it. I love it.

School is almost over. Well there's still a month and a half but still, almost over. I get to sign up for my spring classes, my final classes. And I picked up an application for graduation. Scary and exhilarating at the same time. It really made me think about what I'm gonna do for the rest of my life. Guess what? I still have absolutely no clue!! All I really want is to use my extremely rusty Spanish every day all day and hopefully at some point that I can travel with it. I actually feel really bad. Thomas and Ashley have been telling me about Spanish group every week and each time I can't go or I get home just in time and pass out in front of a movie. I really want to go because I want to practice my Spanish because come next semester I'm gonna need it! Which is what I want. Gahh!!!

I've decided that I need to be become proactive within my life. I need to be more on time with stuff, get stuff done now not later. I need to move out. This time around living at home is a lot better than before but still, it's time. I really just need to be more organized and on top of things. I also need to start getting sleep. I feel exhausted at all times. Even when we had Daylight Savings Time, the extra hour didn't help at all. I think after work today, I am going to make a list of stuff I need to do from now until end of school and take initiative and get crap done! But right now, I am going to Pinterest for a while before work ;)

Life's a funny thing

 

Burning a hole...

I was on my way home from hanging out with Ashley at OTL (which was awesome. I love hanging out with her) and was craving pizza. Not something I normally crave or really should crave since it usually comes with tomato sauce (this odd comment will be explained later). It was a passing craving, so I was planning on forgetting it. But then when I pulled up at home, a Domino's delivery guy drove past me. I thought, "That's it! I am having pizza! It's a sign!" I walk inside, looking up the pizza number because I knew if I ordered one, Daniel would help me eat it. Then I come to find that my mom had made mashed potatoes, green beans, turkey, cranberry sauce and had a bottle of wine. I was so excited. Not only did I save money by not ordering a pizza, but I was also craving a meal exactly like this. So we pray and plate up. I pour myself a glass of wine and sit down to watch the fourth game of the World Series. Halfway through my dinner, my stomach starts to hurt. I thought it was just hurting because I was still slightly hungry and it would go away by the time I was done. Was I right? No. Definitely no. My stomach was burning as I finished my dinner. I was in so much pain that my mom had to get my purse so I could immediately inhale some tums. Eventually I had to lie down because it hurt so bad. An amazing dinner turned to crap.

Why, you ask? That's a good question. What the heck was making my stomach burn with such a vengeance? Oh wait, I have an ulcer (possibly) the size of a quarter sitting in the left side of my stomach. I had three sips of wine during this amazing dinner. THREE SIPS!! And that is what destroyed such a pleasant moment. Stupid thing. I found out I had an ulcer this summer, but apparently I have had it since last year. I couldn't eat a lot or anything without feeling sick. I went out with everyone and had two drinks (I know some people will say, "Two drinks? Yeah right." No, seriously, I had two drinks) only to feel like I drank the entire bar to myself. I would be so hungover (after two drinks!!) and throwing up pure acid. It was not fun. I spent months with a burning sensation in my stomach and chest without having a clue what was going on. So many late night runs to the Curry Health Center with Kim and so many times being sent home with a "Just lie down with this heating pad." Or "It just seems like you're having problems digesting." And the infamous, "Call if you need anything!" Very helpful, right? Nahhhhhh. Eventually it got to the point where I was drenched in sweat, hyperventilating and writhing in pain without an idea of why.

This started a series of blood tests, doctor visits, lots of sleep and pill taking. So many ideas were thrown around, but did any have merit? Maybe. Probably. But all in all, they still had no clue what was going on...for sure. I had no solid answers. I was scared of needles before this last year. Now, I'm good. I just have to close my eyes. No throwing up or passing out. I had so many frustrating appointments and a lot of scary things presented to me. The doctor thought I has Hepatitis (inflammation of the liver) but that was a no go...all four types. People said I was drinking too much...really? I didn't even drink that much when I could actually drink. They said my gall bladder was inflamed and was producing too much bile which was being pushed back into my stomach causing the acid reflux. I had blood tests and an ultrasound for that. They also considered surgery. After three or four months of doctor's appointments every week, my doctor was determined without a doubt that I had Hepatitis and it just wasn't showing up in the blood tests.

I came home for the summer and saw a doctor here who immediately diagnosed me with an ulcer. Reason (or reasons I guess)? Too much ibuprofen over the years. I started taking it every day because of headaches. I was told to stop taking it. The other reason? Wayyyyy too much stress! I was instructed not to be so stressed out. Don't eat tomatoes, oranges, lemons, onions, chocolate, mint, caffeine or anything spicy. And I was to take Priolsec every day again (I had been taking it for four months straight). And more blood tests. My liver, sugar, thyroid and kidneys were all good. What the heck! Three months later, with multiple good days and several acid "attacks," I went back to the doctor. I still felt overall the same. More blood tests and another ultrasound.Yay! Not. Oh and everything that was good....was high again. Stupid body. Since then, back in August, I have not been to or near a doctor.

Do I have the ultimate answer for what's wrong? No. All I know is that I have an ulcer and it hurts when it's irritated. Are there more tests to be run? Yes. Am I gluten intolerant? Diabetic? Do I have Mono? Before this whole thing, I was a healthy person. I rarely got sick. If I did, it was a cold. Now, I have one wrong thing to eat, I am down for the count. This past year, three cases of walking pneumonia, an off liver, inflamed gall bladder and an ulcerI. AM. OVER. IT!!

La la la

I am really not good at this writing every day or every other day kind of thing. Maybe it’s because I feel like I don’t have much to say. Plus since the club is not really scheduling me because there’s nothing going on, my day consists of waking up, school, the gym and then going home. And if I’m really bored, I go back to the gym. I have been applying all over the place, but sadly I might have to look outside of the restaurant business. Other than the pool, which keeps me constantly moving, I haven’t worked outside of the food industry. I don’t know how I would feel about working in a clothing store or a bank or a place that isn’t a restaurant. It’s just frustrating.

I have stared at that last paragraph for almost five minutes…I just don’t have anything to say. I like to write and I like to put my thoughts down but I am unable to put my thoughts into words for this blog. It’s odd. I am however watching Big Bang Theory right now, which probably isn’t helping my lack of thought. I really like this show but I don’t like how everything is more and more about sex. It’s always a prevalent theme in the show but in the fourth season literally every episode is about sex. And ever present theme in almost every show on TV now.

You know what I find oddly satisfying? Doing my laundry. I hate doing it initially but once everything is done and I’ve actually hung everything up, I really like it. But then, once that’s done, it usually makes me want to clean my room, organize the bathroom and everything else. It’s a vicious circle of housework. I think I need to apply that to my almost non-existent homework load. I am such a horrible procrastinator. But somehow I feel like I do better when I wait to do my papers and such. That could just be a huge sigh of relief in having it all done and over with. Bahhhh…I’m over school. Just one more semester and I am done!! WHOOO!!! Speaking of homework I should probably go do it…boo.

Just listen

So I am not working this week...not by choice, but because the club didn't need me this week. Not working is driving me crazy and it's only been two days. I like to work, although it might annoy me, it keeps me busy and I actually like what I do. Like I've said millions of times before, the pool is the best job ever, but working inside is totally different. I know all the moms and all the kids because they're the only ones who really use the pool. When I'm inside, all the other girls know all the men because that's all they see. So I am completely confused by all the names and always have to ask who is who unless the wife is with the man. It's weird but oh well.

Today was a normal day. Wake up, breakfast, school and the gym. But I also got the pleasure of taking a catnap and then going to see a long time friend. I met Ashley at Harper & Madison, a cute little cafe with coffee, sandwiches and pastries. The coffee was really good and the place was really nice. Ash and I got to talk about a lot of things and I think it was good for both of us. Plus I just really miss talking to Ash on a regular basis. She's just a really special person to me. After talking for two straight hours, we went to the Brew Pub to meet up with our friend Thomas and Alfonso (he's from Chile) for Spanish group. We talked in English for a while and then we, and when I saw we I mean Ash, Thomas and Alfonso, started talking in Spanish. I just listened.

I have taken Spanish, continually, since freshman year of high school. I technically started in fourth grade at John Deimer Elementary but that was just basic Spanish like counting, colors and weather. I wanted to speak Spanish because of the sound of the language and everyone who spoke it spoke so fast! I wanted that ability. I first tried speaking in English really fast to see if I could even attempt speaking in another language fast. I eventually mastered speaking...well? I think in Spain and a few weeks after I was doing pretty good, but the lack of use and lack of people to speak with really took a toll on my ability to speak off hand. I love Spanish and I don't really know why but it just fascinates me. I love speaking, reading, listening and writing Spanish. My Spanish skills have been alack for a long time and going to Spanish group tonight with Ash really made me feel stupid for not keeping up with my skills. Hopefully getting into the swing of things with going to Spanish group will help me get back to where I was. One thing that I didn't lose throughout the year my ability to listen and understand Spanish. So tonight I just listened, which was really nice. I love just hearing the language, even if it's broken down for teaching purposes.

So I sit here, pondering my pathetic Spanish skills, trying to think of ways to enhance them. Watching Gilmore Girls in the background and laying on my cars pillows, missing someone I see every day. Not only do I need to practice Spanish, I also need to get into a regular routine of writing on here. It's still kind of new, so it's easy to forget about it. Maybe I need a daily reminder.  I don't know. Either way, that's all for now. TTFN...ta ta for now :)

Summer hath gone away

Where in the world did summer go?

Those hot, sizzily days...I live for those. Summer is my season. Lots of sunshine, lots of green, relaxation...well when I was little. Now I have to work, but thankfully I work outside at a pool so I get all that sunshine. Since I started at the pool, I can't work inside when it's nice out. I can't. The sunshine calls out to me and it makes me happy. I love rain, but I love sunshine more. Plus watching the clouds when it's slow at work is always entertaining.

Plus my job at the pool is the best freaking job in the world! I get to be outside, as aforementioned, I get to play with kids all day, I get to swim whenever I want to, I get a free tan and my boss is basically the most amazing boss ever (I sound like a valley girl with all the "freaking" and "ever"). It's a lot of work, although it doesn't seem like it. Keeping the pool within state regulations is probably the hardest part. The stupid chlorine levels and the flipping baby pool. I want to kill the baby pool. The best part, besides the sunshine, is my co-workers. We're all a little family and it makes me really happy. I will say that it's weird when new people come in to work because the family balance is off but this summer, our YCC pool family gained a few people and I think all of us were ok with it.

With summer on it's way out, fall comes in. The only good thing about fall is the colors. I love the reds, oranges and yellows. The browns can wait because that's all we see here in Montana. And since I am almost done with school, I'm slightly excited for school. I only have six classes left and then I'm DONE!!! So I got into three classes this fall and it makes me happy. I went into the advising office and basically told my adviser that I didn't care what classes I got into, that I just needed to get into two or three classes. Mission accomplished. Thank goodness. Now just to get into the swing of things...

And in the beginning...

I have seen a lot of my friends and some of my family get into the blogging craze. I love reading everyone's, but I never thought it would be something I would be into. I remember I had to do a blog for Spain when I studied abroad and I hated it. I think I had to do it once a week and I think I ended up doing it maybe once every two weeks...whoops. Maybe it was because I had to do it, and now I don't. It's a choice. So we'll see how well this actually goes.

So my life has been a little crazy for the last year or so. I have been sick since last July and I still don't have the exact answer as to what I have or don't have. I guess it has been kind of getting better but as usual, some days are better than others. It's a lot of trial and error. As for everything else, it's just been one stressful thing after another. Am I going back to Missoula? Or am I staying in Billings? Where am I going to live? Work? And how in the world is school going to go this year? I have had so many problems with the schools I have been attending that it gets to the point of frustration that I just want to throw my hands in the air and give up. It's a week before school and I have yet to get the answers I need.

I moved away from Billings last year and at the time it was so refreshing. Missoula was a nice change, it was new and exciting. Everything seemed so cool and not Billings. The University was really cool and even now I wish it was here in Billings. In the beginning, other than being dead sick, everything was awesome. I met cool people and we did cool things. It was great. Slowly the glow wore off and it wasn't as great as I thought it was. I had no car or job when I moved up there. Missoula is the worst place to try to find a job, trust me, it took me four months to find a job. Not a fun situation. Once I got a job, it was a little better. But by the time the second semester came, I was sicker than in the beginning which was making life a lot harder. I kept to myself because I couldn't or didn't want to do what everyone else was doing...which involved a lot of drinking. I don't ever do this, but I called my mom crying because I was so lonely. Eventually, I began to loathe Missoula and I still do in a way. I still think it's a great town to visit or live in, but it's just not my cup of tea. So I am back in Billings and happy to be here.

So this is where I am. Still in limbo with school, a place to live and where my life is leading, but still trying to make sense of it all. Hopefully answers will come and so will peace.